svetz
Works in theory! Practice? That's something else
Aries (March 21 - April 19): Today, your confidence will be so off the charts, you’ll convince your coffee maker it’s a barista. Lean into this energy, but maybe don’t challenge it to a latte art duel—things could get steamy.
Taurus (April 20 - May 20): The stars suggest you’ll find comfort in routine, but your couch is plotting to trap you with a Netflix binge. Escape by bribing it with some fancy throw pillows. Retail therapy is your cosmic cheat code today.
Gemini (May 21 - June 20): Your gift of gab will have everyone hanging on your every word, but beware: you might accidentally start a cult over your hot take on pineapple pizza. Keep your charisma on a leash, or you’ll be leading a chant by noon.
Cancer (June 21 - July 22): The universe is serving you a big bowl of emotions today, but it forgot the recipe for chill. Channel this into writing a dramatic ballad about your cat’s existential crisis. It’ll be a hit at karaoke night.
Leo (July 23 - August 22): Your spotlight’s brighter than a supernova, but don’t let it go to your head—your hair’s already stealing the show. Strut your stuff, but avoid mirrors; you might get stuck admiring yourself until sunset.
Virgo (August 23 - September 22): Your obsession with perfection will lead you to alphabetize your spice rack, but the stars warn: chaos is coming in the form of a rogue cumin jar. Embrace the mess, or you’ll be sorting paprika in your dreams.
Libra (September 23 - October 22): Balance is your vibe, but today you’ll be tempted to buy matching outfits for you and your pet goldfish. The stars say go for it—just don’t expect an invite to their underwater fashion show.
Scorpio (October 23 - November 21): Your intensity is dialed up to 11, making coworkers think you’re plotting world domination. Spoiler: it’s just your face’s default setting now. Smile to defuse suspicions, or lean in and demand their loyalty.
Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21): Adventure calls, but it’s probably just your neighbor’s dog barking at 3 a.m. Follow your wanderlust anyway—chasing that mutt might lead to a wild story you’ll tell for years. Pack snacks.
Capricorn (December 22 - January 19): Your work ethic is so strong, you’ll finish tomorrow’s to-do list by lunch. The universe rewards you with a nap window, but only if you can resist reorganizing your inbox for the third time.
Aquarius (January 20 - February 18): Your quirky ideas will spark a revolution, like inventing a taco-flavored smoothie. Pitch it to friends, but don’t be surprised if they stage a polite intervention. Dream big, but maybe skip the blender.
Pisces (February 19 - March 20): Your imagination’s in overdrive, turning a grocery run into a quest for the Holy Grail of avocados. Trust your instincts, but don’t cry over unripe fruit—the stars promise a ripe one by Friday.
Taurus (April 20 - May 20): The stars suggest you’ll find comfort in routine, but your couch is plotting to trap you with a Netflix binge. Escape by bribing it with some fancy throw pillows. Retail therapy is your cosmic cheat code today.
Gemini (May 21 - June 20): Your gift of gab will have everyone hanging on your every word, but beware: you might accidentally start a cult over your hot take on pineapple pizza. Keep your charisma on a leash, or you’ll be leading a chant by noon.
Cancer (June 21 - July 22): The universe is serving you a big bowl of emotions today, but it forgot the recipe for chill. Channel this into writing a dramatic ballad about your cat’s existential crisis. It’ll be a hit at karaoke night.
Leo (July 23 - August 22): Your spotlight’s brighter than a supernova, but don’t let it go to your head—your hair’s already stealing the show. Strut your stuff, but avoid mirrors; you might get stuck admiring yourself until sunset.
Virgo (August 23 - September 22): Your obsession with perfection will lead you to alphabetize your spice rack, but the stars warn: chaos is coming in the form of a rogue cumin jar. Embrace the mess, or you’ll be sorting paprika in your dreams.
Libra (September 23 - October 22): Balance is your vibe, but today you’ll be tempted to buy matching outfits for you and your pet goldfish. The stars say go for it—just don’t expect an invite to their underwater fashion show.
Scorpio (October 23 - November 21): Your intensity is dialed up to 11, making coworkers think you’re plotting world domination. Spoiler: it’s just your face’s default setting now. Smile to defuse suspicions, or lean in and demand their loyalty.
Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21): Adventure calls, but it’s probably just your neighbor’s dog barking at 3 a.m. Follow your wanderlust anyway—chasing that mutt might lead to a wild story you’ll tell for years. Pack snacks.
Capricorn (December 22 - January 19): Your work ethic is so strong, you’ll finish tomorrow’s to-do list by lunch. The universe rewards you with a nap window, but only if you can resist reorganizing your inbox for the third time.
Aquarius (January 20 - February 18): Your quirky ideas will spark a revolution, like inventing a taco-flavored smoothie. Pitch it to friends, but don’t be surprised if they stage a polite intervention. Dream big, but maybe skip the blender.
Pisces (February 19 - March 20): Your imagination’s in overdrive, turning a grocery run into a quest for the Holy Grail of avocados. Trust your instincts, but don’t cry over unripe fruit—the stars promise a ripe one by Friday.
