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diy solar

Dad Jokes (let's hear your worst! ;-)

A man's car breaks down in the middle of the night. He knows the area well and realizes that the quickest way to the nearest service station is through an old graveyard...

He's walking along the headstones when in the distance he hears a faint tapping noise. As he gets deeper into the graveyard, the eerie tapping gets louder and louder. He very anxiously turns a corner and sees the source of the tapping is an old man with a hammer and chisel, hunched over a headstone.

Relief washes over him and he says, "I was beginning to freak out because of that noise. I thought this place might have been haunted. What on earth are you doing here so late at night anyway?"

The old man merely continues chiseling and says "They spelled my name wrong."
 
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A cup with amber fluid and delightful bubbles is exactly at the half-way point:
  1. An optimist says the cup is half full.
  2. A pessimist says the cup is half empty.
  3. A DIYer says the cup is twice as large as it needed to be.
  4. A drunkard drains the cup and says, ahhh...
  5. The diabetic looking for the lab sample he needs to turn in says, that wasn't beer
  6. The Wife walks in and asks, why are you talking about my cup size?
  7. The neighbor comes by and says Instead of a swear jar, I have a negativity jar. Every time I have pessimistic thoughts, I put a dollar in... it's half empty.
 
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A man walks into a bar with his pet monkey. He orders a drink and while he's drinking, the monkey starts jumping all over the place. The monkey grabs some olives off the bar and eats them, then grabs some sliced limes and eats them, then jumps up on the pool table, grabs the cue ball, sticks it in his mouth and swallows it whole.

The bartender screams at the guy, "Did you see what your monkey just did?" The guy says, "No, what?" "He just ate the cue ball off my pool table - whole!" says the bartender. "Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replies the patron. "He eats everything in sight, the little jerk. I'll pay for the cue ball and stuff."

The bartender is pretty happy so long as the damage is paid for. The man finishes his drink, pays for the damages, and leaves.

Two weeks later he's in the bar again, and he has his monkey with him. He orders a drink and the monkey starts running around the bar again. While the man is drinking, the monkey finds a maraschino cherry on the bar. He grabs it, sticks it up his butt, pulls it out, and eats it.

The bartender is disgusted. "Did you see what your monkey did now?" "Now what?" asks the patron. "Well, he stuck a maraschino cherry up his butt, then pulled it out and ate it!" says the barkeeper. "Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replies the patron.


"He still eats anything in sight, but ever since the cue ball incident he measures first!"
 
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I asked my daughter, "Do you know who Gandi was?"
She said, "Of course, dad. I'm not stupid!"
I said, "Well I'll bet I know some things about him you don't."
Did you know he walked everywhere? And he did so barefoot and his feet were at tough as leather.
I knew that.
He also fasted frequently, which made him very frail. He hardly ate anything.
I knew that.
Did you know that fasting has a side effect of giving you very bad breath?
Yes, I knew that.
So do you know what that made him?
.... No, I guess I don't know what that made him.
It made him a "super calloused fragile mystic plagued with halitosis"

(You need to say it really fast. And be old enough to remember the Mary Poppins movie)
supercallousedfragilemysticplaguedwithhalitosis
 
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