This video shows exactly what I want to achieve, just a shame that the equipment in that video is quite expensive and I'd never get the ROI with my quite small PV setup.
Edit to add, on this video it doesn't show a connection between sunny boy storage and the sunny boy inverter. Does that mean that in theory the sunny boy storage could just be plugged in to any existing solar system. It looks to me that it's behaving as an AC coupled inverter with exactly the feature I was looking for.
I have that equipment and am playing with it on the bench.
Instead of Sunny Home Manager, I have Wattnode, the 3-phase 120/208Y model. It was shipped with two CT for split-phase but supports a third. SBS 5.0, LG RESU-10H.
At msrp, this equipment makes no financial sense for peak shaving. Maybe for backup (extra hardware required for transfer switch.) Retail price of the battery comes to about $0.50/kWh over its cycle life. I bought them because I got 3x SBS for $2000, and 2x RESU for $3000, about $0.08/kWh.
SBS can work with any GT PV inverter, or just charge from the grid with no PV in the system. If Sunny Boy is connected by Ethernet, then it can command reduced power output to achieve zero export; otherwise it can only store in battery attempting to do that but can't actually prevent export. The SB shown has an antenna; maybe it works over WiFi. I haven't tried SBS <--> SB communications yet.
In my setup it shows instantaneous Wattnode voltages and currents, battery values, SBS inverter values, of course no SB values. It can be set to force charge, force discharge, charge seeking a particular max import from grid, discharge seeking a max export, and I think charge based on SB output. It's software control loop for grid power overshoots and rings for a couple seconds.
For OP, any of the battery or hybrid inverters have adjustable charge rates, and some can discharge in parallel with the grid to support loads. If you can program your Pi or whatever to combine 3 phase meter readings, you can diddle settings on the inverters. One guy here uses a Schneider battery inverter with DC coupled PV + AC coupled Enphase PV inverters. He programs settings to control charging and discharging.
If your utility meter gives no credit for backfeed (hopefully doesn't charge for it), you could implement a continuously variable dump load with a triac "light dimmer" circuit controlling water heater. That makes a nasty waveform with harmonics, but power is adjustable. higher frequency PWM with MOSFET would be better. Or connect through a Variac and motor the shaft to adjust output voltage.