LeoThomson
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Dad Jokes (let's hear your worst! ;-)
- Thread starter svetz
- Start date
LeoThomson
Solar Addict
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- Jun 20, 2022
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Delmar
Solar Wizard
Education is learning from other people’s mistakes.
Experience is learning from your own mistakes.
You are the most experienced man alive.
Delmar
Solar Wizard
svetz
Works in theory! Practice? That's something else
A cup with amber fluid and delightful bubbles is exactly at the half-way point:
- An optimist says the cup is half full.
- A pessimist says the cup is half empty.
- A DIYer says the cup is twice as large as it needed to be.
- A drunkard drains the cup and says, ahhh...
- The diabetic looking for the lab sample he needs to turn in says, that wasn't beer
- The Wife walks in and asks, why are you talking about my cup size?
- The neighbor comes by and says Instead of a swear jar, I have a negativity jar. Every time I have pessimistic thoughts, I put a dollar in... it's half empty.
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A man walks into a bar with his pet monkey. He orders a drink and while he's drinking, the monkey starts jumping all over the place. The monkey grabs some olives off the bar and eats them, then grabs some sliced limes and eats them, then jumps up on the pool table, grabs the cue ball, sticks it in his mouth and swallows it whole.
The bartender screams at the guy, "Did you see what your monkey just did?" The guy says, "No, what?" "He just ate the cue ball off my pool table - whole!" says the bartender. "Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replies the patron. "He eats everything in sight, the little jerk. I'll pay for the cue ball and stuff."
The bartender is pretty happy so long as the damage is paid for. The man finishes his drink, pays for the damages, and leaves.
Two weeks later he's in the bar again, and he has his monkey with him. He orders a drink and the monkey starts running around the bar again. While the man is drinking, the monkey finds a maraschino cherry on the bar. He grabs it, sticks it up his butt, pulls it out, and eats it.
The bartender is disgusted. "Did you see what your monkey did now?" "Now what?" asks the patron. "Well, he stuck a maraschino cherry up his butt, then pulled it out and ate it!" says the barkeeper. "Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replies the patron.
"He still eats anything in sight, but ever since the cue ball incident he measures first!"
The bartender screams at the guy, "Did you see what your monkey just did?" The guy says, "No, what?" "He just ate the cue ball off my pool table - whole!" says the bartender. "Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replies the patron. "He eats everything in sight, the little jerk. I'll pay for the cue ball and stuff."
The bartender is pretty happy so long as the damage is paid for. The man finishes his drink, pays for the damages, and leaves.
Two weeks later he's in the bar again, and he has his monkey with him. He orders a drink and the monkey starts running around the bar again. While the man is drinking, the monkey finds a maraschino cherry on the bar. He grabs it, sticks it up his butt, pulls it out, and eats it.
The bartender is disgusted. "Did you see what your monkey did now?" "Now what?" asks the patron. "Well, he stuck a maraschino cherry up his butt, then pulled it out and ate it!" says the barkeeper. "Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replies the patron.
"He still eats anything in sight, but ever since the cue ball incident he measures first!"
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EastTexCowboy
Solar Wizard
I asked my daughter, "Do you know who Gandi was?"
She said, "Of course, dad. I'm not stupid!"
I said, "Well I'll bet I know some things about him you don't."
Did you know he walked everywhere? And he did so barefoot and his feet were at tough as leather.
I knew that.
He also fasted frequently, which made him very frail. He hardly ate anything.
I knew that.
Did you know that fasting has a side effect of giving you very bad breath?
Yes, I knew that.
So do you know what that made him?
.... No, I guess I don't know what that made him.
It made him a "super calloused fragile mystic plagued with halitosis"
(You need to say it really fast. And be old enough to remember the Mary Poppins movie)
supercallousedfragilemysticplaguedwithhalitosis
She said, "Of course, dad. I'm not stupid!"
I said, "Well I'll bet I know some things about him you don't."
Did you know he walked everywhere? And he did so barefoot and his feet were at tough as leather.
I knew that.
He also fasted frequently, which made him very frail. He hardly ate anything.
I knew that.
Did you know that fasting has a side effect of giving you very bad breath?
Yes, I knew that.
So do you know what that made him?
.... No, I guess I don't know what that made him.
It made him a "super calloused fragile mystic plagued with halitosis"
(You need to say it really fast. And be old enough to remember the Mary Poppins movie)
supercallousedfragilemysticplaguedwithhalitosis
wattmatters
Solar Wizard
The newspaper headline after Celtic F.C. lost to Inverness Caledonian Thistle in the Scottish Cup.
LeoThomson
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Can't see the picture for some reason, but apparently it was "Super Caley Go Ballistic, Celtic Are Atrocious"The newspaper headline after Celtic F.C. lost to Inverness Caledonian Thistle in the Scottish Cup.
Delmar
Solar Wizard
We have compiled quite the dadabase of jokes.
When does a joke become a dad joke?
When it becomes apparent.
Aww come on, are we recycling them now¿
Hey, it's appropriate for the day.
Going back through… looks like that one is on its third post, maybe more! Musta had more kids!
My younger brother just wished me a happy Father’s Day, I returned the sentiment, then said…
And happy grandfathers day to you as well! He’s he baby in the family, and he has the first, and next month, the second grandchild!
My younger brother just wished me a happy Father’s Day, I returned the sentiment, then said…
And happy grandfathers day to you as well! He’s he baby in the family, and he has the first, and next month, the second grandchild!
Someone tried explaining electricity to me…
Finally… I’m,
Like Watt…
Finally… I’m,
Like Watt…
wiseacre
Solar Addict
Don't trust acupuncturists.
They're backstabbers.
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